What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 03:41
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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It was going to be , some day.
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was in good health!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was 9 years of age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She found it foreign!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So, i spoilt her more .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
What did i know ?
When she asked me how she looked .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I write beautiful poetry .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t